Pain Isn't A Lesson

But that doesn’t mean you can’t learn from it.

Every experience we have, no matter how good or bad we think it is, offers us an opportunity for learning more about ourselves.

If we step back from the experience and observe ourselves within it, we can begin to see something deeper: our patterns, our responses, our thoughts and feelings. But the key is paying attention. We have to be willing to witness ourselves honestly.

Most people don’t. Most people tune out. They run on autopilot. And autopilot doesn’t teach you anything—it just loops. It creates cycles of pain, unconscious reactions, and stories of blame.

The key is recognizing that you are the common denominator in every experience you have. Your thoughts, feelings, words, and actions play a major role in what happens.

It’s easy to blame someone else for what happened or how it turned out. It’s much harder to look at yourself and ask, What would have happened if I had responded differently?—and do that without layering on shame or regret.

Owning our own behavior doesn’t mean beating ourselves up for it. It means recognizing where we can do better and then making the attempt to actually do better. Part of that comes in understanding why we respond and react the way we do. What’s the wound behind the thought, feeling, action, or word?

And yes, wounds show up in positive experiences too. People-pleasing might look kind on the outside but feel painful on the inside. We don’t need awful experiences to learn something—those are just the ones we tend to notice.

Why?

Because we see painful experiences as problems to solve. We don’t treat good experiences that way. If we like it, we don’t question it. We don’t fix what doesn’t look broken.

Here’s the rub: We don’t have to use experience this way. There is no law or commandment anywhere that says we have to use experience to learn about ourselves.

Pain doesn’t have to be a lesson—any more than a positive experience does. At the end of the day, it’s not about the type of experience you had. It’s about choice.

Do you want to use it as a means of helping yourself or not?

The meaning you take from your experience is up to you. Existentialism has truth. The experience itself has no inherent meaning. You’re here to create that meaning through your perception and judgment. The meaning you create is yours. What society has decided the meaning should be is not a given. It’s not necessarily true. You’re allowed—and encouraged—to see it differently.

I’ve personally chosen to use experience as a means of healing myself. I use it to find truth. You don’t have to. You can tune out and ignore every experience you have. Or not. It’s a choice.

I’m not here to tell you what the meaning should be. I’m here to show you that the meaning isn’t a given—and that you have the power to change it.

If you choose to change it, and you’re willing to use it to help yourself, I have some tips on how to make that process easier. You’ll find plenty more ideas at The Stillhouse.

Love to all.

Della

P.S. I’ve written a premium essay that explores this even further:
how pain gets internalized, self-created, and held onto—long after it's needed.
It’s called “Is Self-Created Pain Necessary?”, and it’s available now through The Stillhouse.